Dear Jessica Brennan,
Generosity is a trait admired by most people. It’s better to give than to receive and all that. But when is it time to stop being generous? Here are some things to think about.
Money
My personal view is that you shouldn’t give at the cash register so that a corporation can take your dollars, donate them to a charity, and get a tax receipt that only benefits them. Be generous if you have money, but give directly to the charity of your choice. Loblaws doesn’t need any more write-offs. Don’t be generous in these scenarios; you’ll look like a chump.
Love
Be careful being generous with love, mainly if you are prone (like your mother) to being the target of takers. You know, the “love bomb on the front end, smash your self-worth on the back end” kind of people. This kind of “love” always comes from those who think you can give them something. Once they are done with you, though, look out. It won’t be pretty. Play your love close to your chest and only give it to those who deserve it. Don’t be generous in these scenarios; you’ll just look pathetic.
Time
I used to give my time to whoever asked. Sit on this committee and volunteer for that event, but not anymore. The problem with saying yes to everything is that you don’t have time left to nurture the few things worthy of your time. Investigate things before you sign up so that, in the end, you don’t feel taken advantage of. There’s another part to this. Don’t give your time to people whose values don’t match yours. Don’t confuse this with people you don’t always agree with; that’s cool. You learn from different perspectives than your own. But if someone’s fundamental values don’t match yours, for example, if they are rude to servers or racist or sexist, cut them loose. Don’t be generous in these scenarios; you’ll just look unprincipled.
Friendship
There are so many kinds of friendships, and they all require generosity to thrive. I would never suggest otherwise. But if you’re in a friendship where you’re sending all the texts and doing all the entertaining, and you notice there would be no communication or get-togethers if you didn’t keep it alive, face the facts. As hurtful as it may be, these people just aren’t that into you, and that’s okay. Let it be, and see if you get a text or an invitation before taking the initiative again. Reciprocal gestures are vital to friendship, so spend time with those who want to see you. Don’t be generous in these scenarios; you’ll look like that guy who just gave at the cash register. What a chump.
Remember, wherever there is a giver, there’s a taker. Balance is the key.
Love,
Mum xo
