Dear Jessica Brennan,
There’s something that often happens between people, something that I have been noticing a lot lately. It goes like this.
Someone is impressed by another person and instantly wants to be around them/date them/ marry them/befriend them, and does everything in their power to get into the magnetic sphere of that being who appears to be exceptional.
In many cases that out-of-reach person, is truly exceptional in one way or another. They may be incredibly intelligent, or deeply kind. They may be extraordinarily creative, sensitive or hugely brave. They may have an artist’s soul that eclipses not only most people’s ability, but also captures an outlook that the general public are unable to really understand. This appeal comes from being different, from standing out and being comfortable in their own skin – at home with who they truly are. It is a rare quality in this world, so no wonder it is noticeable and so very attractive.
The person watching this and hoping for friendship or love, will contort themselves in every possible way to become attractive to this person who in their mind has a superior presence and in turn gives them a bump in identity that on some level, they feel like they are lacking.
What seems to happen though inevitably, is once the lusty onlooker does get themselves welcomed into the sphere of the object of their desire, they then systematically try to change them, calm them down or knock them down a peg or two. The very things that attracted them in the first place are what get attacked, stripped away and criticized. Is this jealousy, insecurity? I don’t know, but over the years I have noticed this in friendships, relationships of the heart and coworkers.
Trying to cage a creative person, or calm down an adventure seeker, or dumb down a thinker, or talk some sense into a seeker, is as cruel as trying to keep them in a three foot square cage 24/7 and telling them to just learn to like it. Creativity, dreams, curiousity and adventure are the oxygen of the exceptional person and criticism or containment is the poison that destroys the essence of them. But of course, they ARE exceptional so they know themselves, and in the end the poisonous behaviour will not win.
So here’s my thought. Another person’s exceptional gifts have nothing to do with who you are. Did you hear me? This goes for your kids too. My advice is, if you can’t love and accept a person without wanting to change them, and that means friend or partner or co-worker or stranger, then leave them be. Trying to impose your agenda on them is unkind and unfair. In fact, it is evil. Don’t go after a shooting star just so you can throw a towel over it. Don’t pursue a flower, just to stand in its light. Don’t try to keep a firefly in a jar just because that’s what serves you. You will lose the battle if you try to control a free spirit. They may pretend to change, but they will inwardly despise you. They may calm themselves down around you, but they will withdraw, form other truer friendships and eventually resent you. Their creativity and love of all things beautiful and curious will continue to be their compass. If you sign up to love a person who you know is oh so rare, don’t try to change the rules once the ink is dry. You will be fighting nature itself, and you will lose.
Love Mum
xo
