Dear Jessica Brennan,
If you suffer from depression, please see a doctor. I am not a doctor. I can’t advise you. My reality is not yours. Please read that again (the part about seeking medical advice).
Here is what is true for me though. A lot of the time when we are struggling, we don’t admit to feeling low. It makes people feel uncomfortable and helpless because they can’t help us. “Cheer up” they say, like we choose to be blue. Why didn’t I think of that?
I suffer from, and am medicated for, generalized anxiety disorder. I have wrestled with depression for years and this grey season called winter does not help, particularly if I am also isolated. Isolation gets tricky for an introvert because I often don’t want to do mingle-y things even when I am feeling happy, let alone when I am feeling low. There have been times when I have wondered what the point of being alive actually is. What difference does it make if I am here or if I am not? This way of thinking that we rarely talk about, is not suicidal but it does cause folks like me to start to spiral. The shame of having the thought in the first place feeds the spiral.
I tell you all this because I know I am not alone in suffering with these kinds of thoughts from time to time.
In the depths of pain, I have called on God and God hasn’t shown up. I’ve beckoned to the universe to no avail. It seems that when you’re down, the only way up is on your own steam.
I use techniques to pull myself out of these kinds of states. Silly things like doing times tables and saying the alphabet backwards sometimes will interrupt the trance. Deep breathing can help. Going out in the cold. Anything to break the pattern of thought. Yoga is a godsend. Mostly I sit with the thoughts and let them have their say. I sit with myself without judgement and I wait. That truly is the answer as counter-intuitive as it seems. Sit in the pain don’t mask it or run from it.
Life in and of itself at times has to be reason enough to get back up when you’re down. Surrendering to life with all of its joy and pain and unpredictability, is everything. Regardless of what you believe comes after life, life is all there is right now. At times if you are low and all you have the strength to do is put one foot in front of the other, then that is all that is required. That’s enough. Breathe in; breathe out. Life is beautiful, so find a glimpse of that beauty if you can amid your low times. Look for it. It is there.
The other day as I started to feel that old familiar pull down into the wintery depths of no-light I thought about surrender and what that actually means. I do struggle because surrender goes against my grain. It can feel like giving in, or giving up. It isn’t though; it is letting go of perceived control that I never had in the first place. Releasing control of what is next and how I am supposed to feel, general really does shift the depression.
Give it a try.
Love,
Mum xo
