Dear Jessica Brennan,
One of the true paradoxes of life is the joy/pain phenomenon. Here is what I mean.
If a man ends a relationship with his wife, that’s often painful. But if a new woman finds in him the love of her life, that’s joyful.
If a couple loses their business and has to sell their home, that’s painful. If another couple find their dream home in that home, that’s joyful.
If a surgeon spends a full day bent over a patient’s faulty heart, that’s painful. If the patient lives, that’s joyful.
Many disasters bring joy and pain. Look at the immense pain of 9/11 and the unrivaled joy found in the response of the people of Gander, Newfoundland.
Where you found pain, I might have found joy. Where you found joy, I might find pain. This makes me think that the two are just different ends of the same emotion.
Whether you are on the joy side of the joy/pain phenomenon, or on the pain side, will depend on so many factors. Age, background, values, relationships, attitude, options available to you, timing…yes definitely and always, timing. Assuming the joy isn’t born out of a vindictive resentment – if it is a true unfolding of events, then really, painful as it can be, there is nothing wrong with this natural trick of the gods.
The point is that even if you are on the receiving end of the pain in the joy/pain phenomenon, it would be great if you could see that when someone pulls joy out of the place you found suffering, it isn’t done to cause you even more anguish.
So often we think that our pain must stay hot in order to prove its intensity. We say we want it to end, but really on some level we need it to stay alive.
Let it go.
That joy in this paradox actually doesn’t have anything to do with your pain. For example, if your wife remarries, the joy she feels doesn’t mean that you felt no pain, or that the pain you felt isn’t real or doesn’t matter. In fact it may even still matter to her.
Also, if you find joy in a place where sorrow once lived, that doesn’t make you a bad person, or an opportunist. Who wouldn’t want to have more joy in their life?
In these fragile parts of life where joy and pain must coexist – overlap even, I think the most important thing is grown-up respect for others. Kindness and discretion, is paramount to surviving these scenarios, and often while the one holding pain is the one who really must show what they are made of, the person with the new found joy must be responsible and extend sincere empathy to the wounded party.
Because at some point the joy/pain phenomenon will return for us all and we will be reminded that feeling the pain of being the wounded party, is no party at all.
Love,
Mum xo
