Dear Jessica Brennan,
Canada has been a self-governing entity since 1867 with about 50% of us identifying with ancestry from England, Scotland or Ireland, which means, in short, we should be able to make a decent cup of tea. In fact, we should be able to buy a decent cup of tea anywhere in this fine country without second guessing the quality. This seems reasonable, but alas, somewhat unattainable. Let me explain.
I like Tim Hortons steeped tea, but not their bagged tea, why? Is there something wrong with their bagged tea? No, they just don’t have a clue how to make it. Here is how Tim Hortons bagged tea is made:
Cold milk goes into cup
Tea bag goes into the cold milk
Hot water goes on top
*Note to Tim Hortons: That tea bag can sit in there until you discontinue yet another one of your original products that everyone loves (think, walnut crunch) and that baby isn’t going to steep.
Here is how you make tea:
Tea bag goes into cup
Hottest water you can possibly boil goes on tea bag
Hum Moonlight Serenade for approximately 20 seconds
Once steeped, remove bag
Milk goes in to suit your taste.
Difficult? No. Impossible? Apparently.
It gets worse. Have you ever gone to a conference or stayed at a hotel where they send the tea out from the kitchen in one of those thermoses? You tea drinkers know what’s next. Is there anyone who thinks that serving tea in a pot that has been used for coffee is a good idea?
Abraham Lincoln is quoted as once saying:
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Exactly.
These acrid urns are just one step less annoying than the small tea pots that never pour, and simply spill all over your Eggs Benedict when you try to get liquid from pot to cup. I would like to meet the guy that invented that particular colossal failure. How do you live with yourself knowing that your family legacy causes millions of people every day to utter expletives each time they use what you created?
Another note to those who have the privilege of serving this esteemed beverage that dates back to the third century AD – cream does not go in tea. Milk goes in tea. You can bring as many of those little individual creamers over to the table as your apron will hold, but no self respecting tea drinker is going to use them. Bring milk the first time and save the wear and tear on your Fit-Bit.
I love tea. For me it is a beverage and a lifestyle choice. The act of boiling a kettle, making tea and drinking it, provides a proper break. In England of course it fixes everything.
“Oh, Robert’s here, Sheila’s just left him for another man! Quick, fetch him a cup of tea!”
“Oh no, our David’s just been run over by a double-decker bus! Someone get him a cup of tea!”
My advice? Tea is a philosophy as much as a drink, so learn to make it properly or don’t sell it at all.
Love,
Mum xo
