Dear Jessica Brennan,
When a relationship dissolves, and people bandage their hearts and split up the crock-pots and pillow cases, something else happens. They become an ex.
Ex-husband, ex-wife, ex-friend in many cases and that changes everything much more than one ever expects.
Yes the ex part of husband and wife often kicks off an extensive and extraordinary, extracurricular, experimentation in expressions of exploratory experience, and the respective exs often don’t like to watch that.
And then, as an ex, if you become involved with another partner, things get even more exciting, because that new person, has now also inherited your ex. Yes, THAT ex. The one who at some point wielded a lot of power in your relationship.
I’ve had an ex-husband, and I’ve inherited an ex-wife. I know of what I speak, except maybe I don’t, because the ex I inherited was not the norm, but she provides an excellent “ex template” for anyone who is interested in a happy existence and not a life of extreme, explosive drama filled with expletives.
Let me tell you about my ex-wife. The ex I inherited, was respectful and kept her distance. She exuded kindness to you and I, Dear Jessica, even though she didn’t really have to. She recognized that when you exit a relationship, the very common, “I don’t want him, but no one else can have him either”, is not a fair way to approach things. It’s exhausting. So she was quiet and welcoming when the scenario required it, and absent when there was no reason for her to be present. She just let us get on with it. She did an exceptional job of being an ex.
My adopted ex was extremely civil and exercised expansive generosity in how she handled the scenario of me and you coming into Dad’s life. She continues to be gracious to this day.
When I was a little girl, I had a couple of aunts who I now know in hindsight were exs. They were no longer married to my uncles, and yet, because of the way the family handled things, they were still our aunts. We continued to see them and eat their butter tarts and visit with them on holidays. We didn’t miss them, because there they were hugging us and loving us like they always had. The wise and no doubt complicated decision was made by someone at some point to maintain amicable and courteous relations. In the end, everyone benefited from this extraordinary arrangement.
At some point in our lives, many of us will find ourselves either as an ex, or inheriting an ex, or both. It can be stressful, and it can be trying and complex. It can even be excruciating. In the end, though, and particularly in these moments of high-octane emotions, you have to decide just how exhausted you want to be. How much energy do you have left to resent and interfere and complicate things by vexing your ex? What if you took the same energy and put it into being generous and gracious?
What if you were exemplary?
Love,
Mum xo
