Dear Jessica Brennan,
English poet, John Lyly is credited with first expressing the sentiment “All is fair in love and war” in 1579. He said it slightly differently. In Euphues (you-few-ease): The Anatomy of Wyt, he said, “The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war.” The phrase has been said by many others in a variety of different ways since, and it is a saying that is used regularly still in our vernacular and many a pop lyric.
I think we have all felt this at one point or another and it makes for a fierce dramatic story of well, love and war, especially when we want our heroes to win at all cost.
I have said it a lot too, to explain away behaviour or feed a romantic notion.
But is it true? Do the rules of fair play not apply in two of the most vital aspects of the human experience? Love and War?
When I really think about it, I don’t think it is true, or maybe it is but it isn’t right. It sounds manipulative to me. It sounds like a veiled version of “The person with the biggest bat gets to win”. I think it might actually be supporting the cause of bullies.
On the war side of the equation, do we want our current leaders thinking they have a green light on all being fair in war? I know I don’t. In fact, I don’t want them to have a green light on much of anything, but that’s for another day.
If all was fair in war, what would happen? Think about that for a moment.
In the 17th-19th centuries, battle was fought in an orderly fashion. That was what was fair, as opposed to “all” being fair. You essentially took turns killing each other – much more civilized. If you were done your war-shift for the day and had to head through enemy territory to go back to camp, you simply asked permission and usually you would be granted safe passage by your enemy. Let’s all get home for supper on time and in one piece.
You also would give some warning before you attacked.
A message would be sent by one General to another. “We are coming up there tomorrow afternoon around tea-time to kick your butts, so look alive.”
In fact they might even call a truce to let the doctor of one side, see to the men who were wounded on the other side of the conflict. When the battle was won, there would be an honourable march for both sides. The Generals spoke regularly to keep the war on the rails. At the end I imagine them saying,
“Well done Jimmy, see you next time.”
“Thanks Billy, say hi to the missus.”
I am not making light of the amount of loss or the blood that was shed but there was a gentleman’s agreement in place and “all” was not accepted to be fair.
As to the delicate nature and many fragile faces of love. All is fair? What does that look like in real life, Dear Jessica? You work in Family Law, you know all too well the carnage that this way of thinking can leave. Bits and pieces of lives strewn like non-recyclable plastics in impoverished puddles of loneliness and despair. This particular adage often results in childhoods steeped in fear and controversy, rather than lego and tricycles. In many cases the one in the relationship that believes “All is fair” leaves the rest of the family in tatters. How is that fair?
I have witnessed more than one predator who used the “All is fair” theory as a fall-back position too. People who prey on the vulnerable woman or man who has just found themselves alone. I would like to say, that because love is the greatest and most valuable commodity on earth, definitely all is not fair. Love can be hard enough. Our hearts and families and very essence are at stake. As the great ten year old philosopher and love expert, Sam says in Love Actually, “Worse than the total agony of being in love?” We should hold ourselves to a higher standard than this blanket “All is fair so I can do as I please” mentality.
All is fair, sounds like anything goes to get what you want, yet by definition the word fair means, “without cheating or trying to achieve unjust advantage”. As I write this, I am growing to dislike the adage entirely. I wish Lyly hadn’t bothered writing that unpronounceable-y named novel with its Wyt to be honest. (That’s “Wit”, John).
I’m changing the verbal equation to, “All is fair in (expanding) love and (ending) war”.
Maybe that will work.
Love Mum xo
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