Dear Jessica Brennan,
Have you ever noticed that the people prone to declaring their love with phrases like, “No one will ever love you like I do,” tend to be the ones who, in the end, are delivering the most insincerity and insecurity, and in fact the least actual love?
Think about the phrase – No one, not another living soul, will ever, never ever, love you, like me. I am the only one who can actually love you this well.
It makes me anxious just to write this, because it is more like a hostage taking than an affectionate statement. Yet to some it also sounds like a promise, the kind of promise you might make to someone special.
To me it feels like there is another inferred statement that could follow that phrase. Here it is in full – “No one will ever love you like I do, so don’t go looking. Don’t even think about it. I am in control of the amount and quality of love coming your way, even if you leave me.”
In my experience this version of love usually includes some sort of emotional abuse, controlling behaviour and/or intimidation. It also often comes with a lot of pure charisma, deep angst and a lot of tears. Some people are drawn to this kind of roller-coaster scenario over and over again in their lives, before the penny drops and they realize that they need to get out. Some sadly, willingly tolerate the seemingly endless lows, because they are addicted to the intoxicating albeit infrequent highs of this kind of union.
For those who do wake up though, and see the whole mess for what it actually is, there comes a realization that power, darkly overshadowing an imbalanced situation, isn’t love.
Everything being one-sided, isn’t love. The endless sacrifices one person makes while the other makes none, isn’t love. The need to always please someone, or fear falling from favour, isn’t love.
Then you realize, that in the words of the great Joni Mitchell, you “really don’t know love at all”.
As you begin to heal, “No one will ever love you like I do,” becomes more of a well-tuned beautiful mantra. It uses the same words but it is re-purposed in your mind.
Because, with a little light, a little reality check and a little luck, never will you ever let someone “love” you like that again.
Love,
Mum xo
