Dear Jessica Brennan,
During the isolation and working-from-home that many of us have experienced this year, I, like most of the working world have spent hundreds of hours on hundreds of video-calls trying to conduct business in as personal a way as you can when you are not in the same room with another human being.
While it has been difficult, I am grateful for the technology. I’m not sure how this all would have unfolded without it.
In any case, in the few hundred video calls I’ve had, I think every single one has at one point featured some poor bugger speaking with animated passion, while five, ten, or twenty other people have been shaking their heads and repeating, “we can’t hear you – you’re on mute”.
The muted participant, then sheepishly un-clicks the little microphone and tries to repeat their message a second time. It always feels a bit flubby and awkward to have to say it again.
This can happen in real life too. How many times have we tuned someone out because they are banging-on but aren’t connecting. I think of some events I’ve attended where a speaker around the table is not interested in conversation but rather just wants to be right, or get into a debate for the sake of arguing, or maybe is pushing some toxic agenda, and suddenly he or she is on mute. Their mouth is moving but no one can hear them.
So what is it that unmutes the speaker in real life? I think it is empathy mixed with vulnerability. It involves a little less talking and a little more honest listening and caring, rather than just hoping for an audience, or worse still a heated exchange.
As I get older, I eliminate as many opportunities as possible to get trapped in a scenario where I have to tolerate these narrow-visioned blinders-on know-it-alls who lack vulnerability and don’t seem to have ears, or an empathetic cell in their body.
However, they still find me occasionally, and finally (this is taking a long, long time) I am learning to refuse to engage; to simply not get drawn into their ego-driven fear-infused existence.
I put myself on mute. I don’t give them the argument they crave. I let them display their true nature for all to see, but I refuse to spar with them – this is a discipline – (to realize when your words, however true, will just be wasted on someone who thrives on drama and controversy).
So Dear Jessica, don’t despair if you find yourself in a situation where you can’t get a word in edgewise because some blowhard insists on having the floor. Ignore them. Trying to have a discussion with them will just upset you, while your words fall on deaf ears. Seek out intelligent, interested and interesting people who display empathy and vulnerability.
And when you are trapped in the company of a noisy, nasty windbag, imagine you’re on a video-call and just say in your head, “You’re on mute buddy, I can’t hear you”.
Then have a little chuckle.
Love,
Mum xo
