Dear Jessica Brennan,
Recently as I was navigating life, I ran into a rough patch, which of course happens to everyone at one point or another. Luckily I am blessed with some fantastic friends who will drop everything and come to my aid, should I need them. Life without this would be pretty bleak when times are tough.
I was talking to our friend Thomas Wade about some of what was going on – Thomas is no stranger to tackling adversity, in fact he is a pro (see his story here), and he sent me the note below. Full disclosure, I have worked with Thomas on his workshops and hypnotherapy practice.
I wanted to share this correspondence for two reason. First, because the advice is sound and the reminder was timely and needed. Anyone will benefit from this way of tackling a difficult issue. Second, because when I received it, I thought, “Sharon, for future reference, this is how to behave when a friend is in need.”
Here is his note to me, used with his permission.
Life can come at us like a bully. Like a big, nasty bully, windmilling wild punch after punch, leaving us with nothing to do but brace ourselves against the turnbuckle and cover up. It will crowd us in, stepping on our feet, smothering us and knocking the wind out of us with body blows. The way to beat a bully is with the mind. The thing to do is to create room to use our boxing skills…to use our intelligence. There’s no way to spot our opportunities while we are focused on not getting hurt. I always think of Muhammad Ali with George Foreman. This fight was considered to be unwinnable…many expected Ali would die in the ring. But there he was, twisting and turning, like a sailor in a ship’s rigging in defiance of the storm, leaning back on the ropes, taking the least amount of punishment possible, and spotting Foreman’s mistakes – taking a well placed shot, then dancing away. My way of “making room” for myself was (and is) to take stock of what skills I have…to focus on what I can do, and not on what I can’t do.
Another weapon Ali used was to smile. Bullies hate that! He would take a punch powerful enough to stop a rhino, and he would smile and say to George, “Is that all you got!” I can’t say exactly what “making room” will mean to you…but I know that when I am in survival mode I rarely see my own opportunities to use my talents to ultimately win…I need to be in my own corner cheering myself on.
So that might just be a lot of hot air…but it’s hot air I’ve used to stay on this side of the sod.
As for worrying. That’s a toughie for those of us wired for worry…and that is a lot of us sensitive souls. But it is, nonetheless, just wiring. That’s how I deal with it. I recognize that when I am fretting, and afraid, it’s because I have imagined the worst, without even being aware of it.
Because the “fight or flight” response that follows, responds faster than our frontal lobes do, and we are swamped in that panicky feeling before we even know we have thought anything at all. But it is virtually impossible to worry without using our imaginations to picture something to worry about. So I don’t listen to the feeling of worry, that we often interpret as a premonition of doom…it isn’t.
We can’t predict the future. We often think we can, but we can’t. No matter how things look, no matter what kind of “if-then” logic we apply, that may follow as logically as “what goes up must come down”, the future, and the past are non-existent except as creations of the mind. Both are created with the same equipment…so I can just as easily create a moment in the future that makes me feel warm, with positive, possibility, as frozen in my tracks in the icy grip of inevitability. Clearly that doesn’t protect us from what someone else is going to do, but there’s nothing we can do about that until it’s done.
And yes, maybe it’s gonna suck. I know it already sucks. But you might as well wait for it all to really hit the fan before you start mopping up. This is about self preservation, and taking care of ourselves so we have something to fight back with…not exhausting our nervous systems with projections of the mind no matter how realistic they may seem to be. Being realistic can be counter intuitive. For me it’s kind of a “truthfulness, or usefulness” argument.
I know that any future can seem to be dark and menacing, and it takes powerful intention and focus to see through it, but if you use one of your own tools and skills, I bet you can create something awesome. You can get out your laptop, and write your future. Or you can write a letter to yourself from the future. You can even write it out, all of your worries and what-ifs, before you go to bed, and leave it there till morning.
There. I could probably really turn the stomach with a bunch more homilies and platitudes (Everything happens for a reason! The darkest hour is just before the dawn!) but I don’t want to make you nauseous. Please know that however useless this all may have been, I genuinely care, and if I had some real power to jump in the ring with you, I would…but for now I’m stuck being the irritating guy in the corner yelling “Punch him in the face!”.
I know that in many ways, I am the worst at this. I get in trouble for it all the time. I know that people don’t often really want a friend to do anything but listen. I do listen. But then I can’t help but start hollering from the corner, “Punch him in the face!!!”
I am grateful to Thomas for taking the time and care to say the right thing at the right time. I hope that I can offer this kindness to another when they are in need.
Love,
Mum xo
