Dear Jessica Brennan,
Sometimes I catch myself talking about the pain I have endured in my life as though it is a trophy. “Look at how much I have suffered. I’m so special”. Then I remember that everyone has suffered. Some more, some less but everyone has their own tales of woe.
My goal in the last few years has been to try to connect the learning from the pain to the story in my head about the suffering.
I think:
“That person betrayed me, yes. But look how I can now spot those kinds of people a mile away.”
“That conversation turned into a heated argument, but look at what I learned about that person and their values (or lack thereof) by having that disagreement.”
The key is to learn and then to not repeat. Easier said than done.
The pain/learning equation comes from so many situations where in many cases both sides feel like they are 100 percent correct. There is such a yearning to be right that comes with being human. Such a need to know more, and be superior and have all the answers. Sometimes that comes from our upbringing, always from our insecurity and at times from a combination of what makes us who we are.
Often we have just over-played our strengths. If you take your strengths too far then you quickly stumble on your weaknesses. Again, try to learn and not repeat. It is a process.
If you’re like your mum, and you are, it will take quite a few trips and bruises to get to the point that you can see the learnings of the pain. We are a bit slow to know that the iron is hot, the dog does bite, and my favourite, some people just aren’t nice. But the pain isn’t to be held up and lamented for all time, the lessons attached to it are the real trophies.
After writing all this advice to you though, I know that at times I still need to say, “Sharon, your pain isn’t your denomination, your currency or your country, so stop waving the damn flag.”
Love,
Mum xo
