Dear Jessica Brennan,
One of the evilest and most lasting acts of emotional violence we commit against each other as humans is ironically usually found in a religious setting. This, of course, is the sin (word chosen intentionally) of shunning.
Shunning doesn’t always occur within the walls of a place of worship though. It can happen with friendships and within families. The intent is to reject a person as someone who no longer belongs, generally because they don’t agree with you, and while there is at times a necessity to eliminate toxic people from our lives who are not good for us, this is different.
This is a group effort to, as one, stand aloof from an individual who has dared to question the tribe.
In 1980, I left a church that I had attended for my entire life. I was 18 years old and as green as the grass, but despite it being the only place I knew – (think, attending church activities as many as 6-8 times a week) – the behaviour I had witnessed from the church leaders and congregation, sent a much different message than what those same people were preaching from the pulpit and teaching in the Sunday School rooms. Words and actions just weren’t lining up. Sadly, much of what I couldn’t reconcile in the 80s, continues today.
For having the nerve to leave the church, I was shunned by the only people I really knew. The only people who I had ever known to love me. In fact, I had missed no more than two Sundays at the church, when I ran into one of my friends and her mother in the mall, (a friend and mother I had known very well since I was a tiny girl).
When they saw me they demonstrably turned their heads and walked in the other direction. They were openly, brazenly committing the sin of shunning; tongues wagging like sounding brass and clanging cymbals. Yes, I chose to say “sin” purposely again. There is no other word for this brutal, puffed-up, schoolyard, savage act against another human being.
I was totally gutted.
This obvious choice they made that day, had some consequences, but repentance, or wanting to be part of that tribe again, were not included in the list. In that moment of fear and pain, love lifted me, and from that time onward, I knew that whatever god they were selling, was not a God I could believe in.
God and I came to an understanding that day and we’ve been happily and successfully going it alone ever since.
Shunning says, “You don’t matter”, “You don’t belong”, “You are not one of us anymore”. It says, “Don’t think for yourself”, “Don’t you dare be different”, “Who do you think you are?” To those who parade around with superiority and commit these kinds of acts I say, “Your faith might move a mountain, but what are you without love?”
Shunning does exactly what it is intended to do, causing deep pain, that at its best hurts a person to their core and at its worst pushes people to consider and commit desperate acts like suicide. It isolates and rejoices in the pain of others.
Anyone can commit this hateful act. Any group can decide to put it into play. It is easily done and rarely called out. And the fact that people who bang-on about being sanctified by God regularly engage in it, is laughable. This is in no way a holy act. It is cowardice, my dear girl. Don’t ever do it.
Despite the fact that I am shining a light on this topic, I want you to know, that if you are reading this and you are one of the people who shunned me all those years ago, I have forgiven you, whether you feel like you need forgiveness or not. Remember, I was raised the same place you were, and I know what you know. We endured together the things that went on but were not spoken of. We are united in our memories.
We don’t need a book to tell us when we are behaving evilly. We have a built-in GPS in our solar plexus that makes this all pretty easy. It lets us know quickly when we are out of sync with the way we should be living.
So Dear Jessica, if you want to have sunshine in your soul today, or any day, pay attention to what your body is telling you, and remember that the solution is simple. Be kind, and know that with all the virtues Life has to offer, the greatest of these is Love.
Love,
Mum xo
note to reader: all upper and lower case letters were chosen intentionally in this blog post.
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