Dear Jessica Brennan,
Shame is such a powerful emotion. People like Brene Brown have spent their entire careers studying it and what it does to people’s bodies, their confidence and how it can ruin lives.
The dictionary definition of shame is:
noun
- a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.
Sometimes the idea of wrong or foolish behaviour has been implanted into our heads by our tribe. For example, when I was a child we were not allowed to dance, go to movies, have a glass of wine, or in the words of my sister, “Do anything that resembled fun” on Sundays.
The first time I went to a movie, I felt huge shame. The fact that I went on a Sunday night gave me incredible anxiety. But was this shame that I should have felt or did it come as the residue of a belief system that had been imposed on me?
I wish I could say that all the shame I have felt in my life was someone else’s fault, but like most of us that simply isn’t true.
What I have found in the times in my life when I have felt shame is that I want to hide. I don’t want to talk to people or see anyone. I want to vanish and stay in my house. I can’t make myself small enough or invisible enough in the aftermath of the humiliation.
This is partly because of the feelings that come with shame, but also because of the work that needs to happen to restore myself back to health after the rotting of the spirit that occurs when I’m in shame.
There’s no shame in shame…if you know what I mean. Cocooning in times of distress is as valid as nesting in times of change and new growth, or celebrating in times of abundance.
And we all know what comes out of cocoons.
Love,
Mum xo
