Second, Do Know Harm

Dear Jessica Brennan,

Last week the blog was called “First, Do No Harm”, and when I was writing the initial draft, I made a typo that used “know” instead of “no”, which brought me to writing this blog, because you have to “know harm” when you see it.

This has been a constant struggle for me.

Like most of us, I have been in the company of many harmful people in my life, and I take responsibility for my share of how that happened. I just didn’t see them as harmful, usually because they were bright and shiny and in every case, charismatic and fun to be around.  Fun to be around, at first.

I opened myself up to the takers and lo and behold, they took.  I believed the liars and who knew? They lied to me. I tried to love the haters and they continued to hate. I accepted the users and guess what? They used it against me.

The taking and lying and hating and using is on them, but of course as I’ve said before, I really can’t sit with donkey-ears on my whole life and let this keep happening, so I have tried to learn to see harm where harm exists, and also know what to do about it.  (Dad and I do love donkeys though).

The short answer is, get away from the harm-spreaders, because in the spirit of last week’s blog, if you want to “do no harm”, you need to “know harm”. If you allow harm to go on too long unchecked, a lot of harm will be done. (That’s a lot of harms).

Harm-throwers have some pretty standard tricks and when you finally recognize the tactics (it only took me about 50 years, so there’s hope for you), they seem pretty obvious.  

Here are a few:

Skewing your words

Attacking your character

Presenting nonfactual arguments

Asking loaded questions

Playing dumb

Smooth talking

Altering the truth to suit them

Being that schmaltzy obvious person who pretends to be everyone’s friend just to get what they want (blech).

One immediate way to identify harm, is to check in with your body. Does this person’s presence make you feel heavy? Is your energy gone just from having to deal with them? Do you feel like they are dragging you down a dark hole with them?

One thing I will tell you, is that if a person is a habitual harm-thrower, love is not the answer.  You heard me say that right. Loving yourself is the answer, but if you think you can love a human toxin into some sort of place of wholesome kindness, you will be disappointed. They thrive on watching you reel. They will present Academy Award quality performances against you and may even convince others to believe them. This harm-throwing is what gives them excitement.  Telling the lies actually gives them a thrill.

Save your breath. Save your time. Protect yourself. Get away from them.

Remember, despite what they say or do, the truth is still the truth. You may need validation, but the truth needs none. What happened, happened.  What was said, was said, regardless of how it is spun after the fact.

So Dear Jessica, first, do no harm, but second, please, do know harm.

Love

Mum xo