Dear Mum,
Because my career path has led me to work in the profession of law, I would be more comfortable if we had a few things in writing.
This DEAR JESSICA BRENNAN (“blog”) is written for Sharon Brennan (“Mum”) by the party (“Jessica”) and herein is written for, but does not exclusively apply to Mother’s Day. The Parties understand, acknowledge and agree that this is a lifelong Agreement which has been entered into voluntarily previous to this blog. It is binding.
- TERM AND TERMINATION
o Terms of Agreement. This Agreement shall be effective as of nine months prior to the date of Jessica’s birth and shall remain in full force and effect in perpetuity.
o Termination. This Agreement may not be terminated by either party despite written notice, disagreement, being evicted from yoga, anything Dad says or does, or for any other reason.
This Agreement may not be terminated by death of any party.
- RESPONSIBILITIES
o Scope of Work. Jessica hereby continues to retain the services of Mum to act as mother, friend and confidant.
o Changes. Changes to this Agreement or to any of the specifications of this position shall become effective only when a written change request is texted by Mum, and Jessica agrees (unlikely).
As is reasonable under birthing order norms, (see “Only Child” vs “Every Parent since the Beginning of Time”) Jessica, as an only child has no real responsibilities under this Agreement. In the event of a conflict between the terms of this Agreement and Jessica, Jessica continues to get her own way.
o Mum’s Responsibilities. Mum agrees to perform all tasks assigned to her as set forth in this Agreement and to provide all assistance and cooperation to Jessica in order to complete timely and efficiently the Mum duties.
- SPECIFIC WORK
o Holidays. Mum remains responsible for all holidays until further notice. These holidays include but are not limited to Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas – a holiday in which Jessica shall continue to be showered with gifts as though she is a seven year old.
o Consultation. Mum is responsible for consultation services to Jessica in the areas that Jessica deems appropriate. Even mild consulting on areas that are not approved will result in disciplinary action. All consultations shall be held in the strictest of confidence under mother-daughter privilege (see “Mother-Daughter Privilege (Confidentiality)”).
o Giggles. Giggles are non-negotiable and unavoidable in this Agreement. The currency of any good night out, or in for that matter, giggles should be considered an ever-increasing commodity. People not involved in the aforementioned giggles not understanding same, will immediately result in further and uncontrollable giggling. One Parties ability to regain control of a giggle situation in no way indicates that giggles are complete.
o Venting. Venting, like giggles may appear out of the blue and should be listened to, but not necessarily commented on. See item “Consultation”. All venting shall be held in the strictest of confidence under mother-daughter privilege (see “Mother-Daughter Privilege (Confidentiality)”).
o Determination of joking vs reality. Jessica is allowed sole discretion on when something is a joke. For ex. “Why don’t you move home with Mum”, will always be itemized under the category of a joke, as will “What do you think of these comfy Tender Tootsies?” Which brings us to another part of this Agreement.
o Fashion. When there is a disagreement over fashion, Jessica retains all authority. A look is generally sufficient to end this disagreement, however verbal confirmation may be provided as well.
o Other reasonable responsibilities as decided by Jessica. From time to time, (actually regularly), Jessica may determine that other responsibilities will fall under this Agreement and may do so at her own discretion. This may include trips to stores named after Semi-Celebrities, hikes at the Pinery or Mum being forbidden by Jessica to blindly befriend people demonstrating narcissistic behaviour.
- FEES
All fees paid on behalf of Jessica from 9 months prior to birth until the day of the end of this Agreement (never) are non-refundable, however in the event of old age, illness, loneliness or hardship, Jessica will never forget the price that has been paid on her behalf and whatever comes, she promises to be there for Mum and always figure it out.
- INDEMNIFICATION
o In performing services under this Agreement the mother-daughter privilege shall be strictly enforced, such that the Parties agree not to give away secrets, restrict hugs or in any way maim Dad for endless headphone use. There will be no breach of privacy, or other rights. If a party becomes aware of any such possible infringement in the course of performing any work hereunder, they shall immediately notify the other by text.
o The Parties shall indemnify and hold harmless each other (and Dad, why not) from any and all claims, damages, liabilities, costs, and expenses (including, but not limited to, reasonable Waltzing Weasel fees and all related costs and expenses) incurred as a result of this Agreement.
- REPRESENTATIONS AND WARRANTIES
No Conflict. As limited conflict has ever arisen, aside from the time Jessica beed a bad girl, out of this relationship to date, this section seems unnecessary. However, in the event a conflict arises, refer to “Disputes” regarding Dave Nolan’s role as arbitrator.
Mother-Daughter Privilege (Confidentiality). The Parties agree to hold each other’s Proprietary or Confidential Information in strict confidence. “Proprietary or Confidential Information” shall include, but is not limited to, written correspondence, trade secrets, know-how, methods to trick Dad, family recipes, bad photographs, old report cards, musical preferences, computer retained information, notes, or financial information.
Movies. Love Actually shall remain the best movie ever made and suitable tears shall be shed at each screening. It shall also be viewed each Christmas, with each viewing being treated as if it was the first.
Stories. Regardless of age or circumstance, Mum’s stories containing Mum-created characters (including but not limited to The Puppet, Marlayna, Leapy, The Men’s Feline Chorus, Narchie) shall be read at each family gathering. See above item “Movies”, regarding suitable tears.
Kelly Clarkson. Piece by Piece, aka “That Bloody Song”, shall be played on Father’s Day until the end of time. Again, see “Movies” regarding suitable tears, however the term “suitable” shall be varied or completely disregarded in this instance.
Oscars and Birthing Stories. Under protest Jessica will attend and participate in the annual Oscar night. In addition she will feign interest in stories about the day she was born ad nauseam.
Jeans ‘n Classics. All Jeans ‘n Classics concerts are great, and Jeans ‘n Classics personnel are the best extended family ever found on planet earth. This is an unwavering truth and one that we shall live and die by.
- HEALTH AND SAFETY
Acting in good faith Mum and Jessica have the right to refuse to operate under conditions that they reasonably believe present an imminent danger to themselves, but generally to others. These may include attending events where laughter is not encouraged or socially acceptable, being present at corporate Parties that have been over-sold as the event of the season or sitting at Jeans ’n Classics concerts where someone is talking through the entire set-list. Other health hazards pertaining specifically to our resident genius (Dad) include being in a room when he starts a sentence with “What you need to do is”, or he’s commenting on the validity of the second season of “This is Us” or any conversation regarding weather. These events create imminent danger of death or serious harm (for Dad), and Mum and Jessica have the right, out of love for Dad, to refuse to engage.
- FORCE MAJEURE
Neither party will be liable for any breach of or default under this Agreement on account of any delay or failure to perform duties as required. Especially Mum because Dad is a condition beyond her reasonable control and often a force she is unable to overcome through the exercise of reasonable diligence. The Oscar Party however remains mandatory, regardless of any genius moments or acts of God.
- RELATIONSHIP OF Parties
o The Mum. Mum, in rendering performance under this Agreement, shall be deemed a very dependent contractor and everything contained herein shall constitute this arrangement to be a joint venture, and a partnership.
o The daughter. Jessica, in fulfilling her role, shall remember that with power comes responsibility.
o The Dad. Dad is a genius so stop hiding his headphones.
- AGREEMENT BINDING ON SUCCESSORS
The provisions of the Agreement shall be binding upon and shall inure to the benefit of the Parties hereto and their heirs which is no guarantee of revealing a timeline for grandchildren. Seriously, this is not a hidden message regarding grandchildren.
- DISPUTES
Jessica and Mum agree to make a good-faith effort to resolve any disagreement arising out of, or in connection with this Agreement through negotiation. Should the Parties fail to resolve any such disagreement within ten (10) minutes, any controversy or claim arising out of or relating to this Agreement, including, without limitation, the interpretation or breach thereof, shall be taken to the Waltzing Weasel and remain there until a resolution has been found. If no resolution can be found, Dave Nolan shall be the called upon Arbitrator to decide what’s what.
- MOTHERS DAY
As requested each year, Mother’s Day shall be celebrated in a fashion where Mum doesn’t have to cook, clean-up or make any real decisions. Dad shall be encouraged to stop asking Mum, “What do you want to do?” (See 7. Health and Safety). Jessica shall ensure that Mum feels as special and appreciated as she deserves, both on Mother’s Day and every other opportunity that is available to her. By signing this Agreement, Jessica acknowledges and relies on the fact that she has been blessed with the best Mum, and undertakes to make this fact known to, but not limited to, all of the people enjoying this blog.
JESSICA wishes, but in no way guarantees, Mum the best Mother’s Day ever.
Jessica Brennan
Love Jessica xo
