Dear Jessica Brennan,
I do not have a multiple personality disorder, but I do have a multiple emotion disorder. This is self-diagnosed and not a medical or psychiatric emergency that requires treatment, or not that I know of anyway. Perhaps if it was an emergency I wouldn’t know. Watching the movie Split though did get me thinking about the similarities between personalities and strong emotions, so let me explain.
Just a note for those who have had the opportunity to see the brilliant movie Split. Despite outward appearances, and an understandable love of James McAvoy, I want to be clear, I am not a killer who kidnaps and imprisons people.
Back to the topic at hand. I recently found myself home alone and feeling sad for no real reason. Doesn’t that just make it worse? You feel sad but nothing has really gone wrong? In any case, I remembered some great advice I heard once that said whatever emotion you are feeling you should just sit with it, good or bad, and let it have its say. This is a tremendously difficult thing to do because when you already feel sad, you don’t want to feel sadder, you want to flee. However it has been my experience that the best way to shift any kind of pain is to accept it for what it is, so that’s the road I took. I began with feeling sad.
On this particular night, I decided to have a little chat with good old Sad and see what was going on. Sad was fairly forthcoming. I think she thought that since I don’t ask very often she should speak up. It went like this.
Me: What’s up Sad? Why you so well, sad?
Sad: <sigh> I feel like you should be doing more, being more, you know? Things just aren’t happening fast enough for you. Time is running out. Some days I feel like I’m getting bigger and Happy is getting smaller.
Me: Wow, Happy gets pretty big but I know recently she’s been sort of elusive. It sounds like maybe you’re doubting my ability and that our confidence is shaken.
Sad: Yah. I think that could be it <sigh>, why don’t you ask Doubt what she thinks.
I focused on what doubt feels like and realized Sad was right, maybe I was really doubting myself.
Me: Well Sad, Doubt happens to be right here next to you. You guys are pretty tight, inseparable in fact. Doubt, what’s your story?
Doubt: I am having trouble figuring out the last time I felt really confident. Other people feel very confident about you and your abilities but quite frankly I don’t always see it.
Me: Thanks a lot Doubt.
Doubt: Sorry, but it’s my job and I do it well.
I look at Sad sideways. She shrugs.
Me: Why do you think you feel this way?
Doubt: Even when you do really well I only seem to be able to see what might go wrong. I keep thinking about all your many failures but when I try to figure out why that is, Strong puts a blindfold on me and makes me sit in the corner with Fear, Sad and Disappointment.
Me: <defensively> Well guess what Doubt, that’s Strong’s job and she does it well.
Doubt: I know but have you noticed that Strong isn’t looking so hot anymore? In fact, Strong is starting to look a lot like Weakness. She has that same pallor that Weakness gets just before she cries or throws up.
I knew what Doubt meant. Strong was louder than Weakness but other than that, they were looking a lot like twins, and not because Weakness was getting healthier.
Me: Ok Doubt, thank you I think. Let’s look for Weakness and ask her what she thinks about Strong.
I couldn’t find Weakness anywhere. Every time I thought I caught a glimpse of her, Strong blared a trumpet in my ear. Finally, I asked Strong to leave the room and when she did Weakness poked her head in the door. She looked quite frail and vulnerable, actually quite self-aware though.
Me: Hi Weakness, where ya been?
Weakness: <softly> Just sitting here waiting for Strong to stop playing that bloody trumpet. Nobody really wants me here. Sad makes you cry, Doubt makes you think, Strong keeps you going, but what do I do? I’m weak.
Me: Well, you were there for every crush I ever had and when I first fell in love. For those precious moments you were there in my knees. It was the most delicious feeling. One I would love to feel every day. Also, I wouldn’t have met Strong without you remember? You introduced us.
Weakness seemed to like the answer. She did wonder though, why I was giving Sad, Doubt and noisy old Strong so much time.
Weakness: Joy is out in the hall playing endless games of backgammon with Love shouldn’t we invite them in?
The mere suggestion that Joy might join us made Sad scurry over to the far wall and Doubt shrink to half her size. Even my great protector Strong who had snuck back into the room, looked uncomfortable.
Without an invitation Joy started to shine into the corners. She couldn’t help herself. The tiniest overture and she took up the whole space.
Me: Come on in Joy. Join the party.
Doubt and Weakness stood behind Sad while Strong walked back and forth between the two sides. Joy closed her eyes and smiled, light radiating from her every pore, and I closed my eyes too.
When I opened them again Joy had sent Love to get Surrender and Acceptance.
Me: Joy, you know I prefer Euphoria to Surrender. Surrender is hard work in this world. No offence Surrender. And Acceptance? Really? Boring. I like Strive. I even like her name. She sounds like a rock star.
Joy: You don’t need Euphoria and all her complications at the moment, and you surely don’t need Strive or her groupies, Burn-out and Disappointment.
Me: She’s so exciting though. <Strong blared her trumpet in support>
Joy: I’ve sent Euphoria to the Bahamas with Elation. They are the last thing you need right now, all those highs have to have lows, and get out of Strive’s drama and ground yourself. The surest way back to Sad is Strive.
Me: Ground myself? This again?
Joy: You can leave your fairy wings on this time if you must, but take your shoes off. Press your feet into the earth. Stop avoiding the depth of the journey or you’ll get a visit from Pain and we all know how well that’s worked for you in the past. You’ll ping from Pain to Fear and back again, boinging like a pinball. Look, you can hang out with Surrender or you can hang out with Crash, so make your choice.
Joy was being uncharacteristically firm so I did as I was told and with feet now firmly grounded braced myself and looked Sad, Doubt, Weakness and Strong right in the eye. They didn’t look so fierce as I had remembered and Strong put her trumpet back in the case and just quietly stood by me and held hands with Weakness. With Strong feeling more authentic, and Strive, at least for the moment, sent to the Green Room, (quiet please Ms Strive, you can be heard on stage) I reacquainted myself with Calm.
Joy: Now how do you feel?
Me: Hm. I feel pretty good.
Joy: No sudden elation, rushing euphoria or shortness of sanity?
Me: No. How did you do that?
Joy: <sparkling> Who knows. Ask Life.
Love Mum
xo
