Dear Jessica Brennan,
One of the best bits of advice anyone ever gave me about when a friendship or situation comes to an end, is to remember the good times and move on.
I’m not talking about endings with big abusive acts that cause a catastrophic and dramatic episode. Some things need a more indepth exploration than just “move on”.
But what I am talking about is a reminder to consider the good times in the regular disappointing events of life – for example, a failed relationship, a quarrel or a betrayal of trust. This is not an easy thing to do. Our minds are trained to remember the pain especially if we’ve been wronged, but this rehashing of anguish only hurts us, it doesn’t solve any problems or un-damage us.
The mind is tricky. Over time, I think it is easier in a situation to find something good, if that particular event does not relate to a personal interaction. So for example, if your flight is delayed and you end up sleeping in the airport overnight, you might be really angry at the time, but a year later this same incident has likely morphed into a story of great adventure. You may even be laughing about some aspects of the night in question.
I think sometimes with people-pain though, we feel like, if we talk about the good times of say a broken marriage, then it feels like we are letting our ex-spouse off the hook for all those many wrongs he/she inflicted upon us. Instead, we hold up the pain like a trophy and wave the “I’m wounded” flag until we bore everyone to tears, including ourselves.
What if we could remember the good times we had with a friend that we had to release or a parent that was inattentive? What if we could release the anger and resentment and move away from the drama? What good is it doing to stay in that painful moment?
Full disclosure, I’m horrible at this. Cutting and running is my first impulse, and I love me a good grudge. But in truth, I’m working on it. Because I finally realize that remembering the good times and moving on is the only way to free the mind and body of the pain. I mean you only have two choices – the good times, or the bad times.
Which do you want to remember?
Love,
Mum xo
