Dear Jessica Brennan,
Forgiveness to many of us is a really strange concept. We talk about it, but often when we hear the word, we recoil. Our thoughts about forgiveness seem to imply that the perpetrator, that person who has wronged us, gets off without punishment, like everything is just fine, but truly the responsibility of the definition comes back on us not on them.
The word forgive means to stop being angry and resentful toward someone else. Only we can stop ourselves from being angry or resentful. This is a personal act.
Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison, and then hoping it will kill your enemies”.
So forgiveness requires a certain amount of detachment from the scenario. A sense of not allowing any negative situation to become so much a part of your DNA that you can’t release it. This is so much easier said than done.
Forgiveness to me on the really big stuff, rarely involves a continued friendship with a person. I’m long suffering on the front end with people’s quirks, and I celebrate “strange and weird” more than most people, (it takes one to know one) but I have a short fuse once the writing of mistrust is on the wall. I’m not saying this is right or wrong, everyone is different, but to those who really don’t care about offending others or making accusations, remember that as the recipient of these slings and arrows we get to walk away from you while you hurl things at us. You can’t legislate “forgive and forget” just because you’re a bully – I know that’s hard to take in.
To “forgive and forget” is a ridiculous goal for anyone. “Forgive and learn” would be a much better objective, but it lacks alliteration.
Often it is friends we must forgive, because we care about what they think and what they say. Their opinions are more difficult to write off. Over the years I have noticed that most people have friendships in circles. In the centre circle there are close friends. These are the people you would call if you were in real trouble or had great news. This is a small circle.
Around that circle is another wider circle. In there are the “friendly”. These are the people who you don’t know quite as well, or you know them well, but don’t feel as close to them for a variety of reasons. These are your friendly people.
Outside of that is the “almost everyone else” circle, and beyond that is a wall between you and the nasty people who you never want to let in, or let back in.
In addition to having our own circles, all of us fit into the circles in other people’s lives too, and sometimes determining where you sit with another, helps inform your behaviour. You don’t always have others in the same circle they have you in, if that makes sense.
Alignment of the circles reaps the best results. The need for anyone to practice forgiveness declines if the circles align. If you can keep only your most trusted friends in the inner circle, and keep yourself in their inner circle, the likelihood is that things will run smoothly. Not always of course, because we are all flawed humans, but usually this is the case.
If someone has you in their inner circle, and you have them in your “friendly” circle, then things get tricky because while these two circles sound close together, they are miles apart and the realization of being one step too close, or one step removed can make people kick-off with all kinds of seemingly bad behaviour.
When we feel hurt, the release that is required to enter into forgiveness seems impossible, because often we have allowed a relationship to become important to us when it was working well. As it sours or grows distant, detachment from the grip of the hurt feels impossible.
Impossible but necessary.
I admit that I have a “cut and run” side to me, that makes detachment less than impossible, but I will also confess that this isn’t forgiveness and the running always eventually catches up. So what do I do?
You likely already know, Dear Jessica. I sit with it. I let myself feel it – the anger, the betrayal, all of it, and as I embrace it instead of avoiding it, it loses its power and detachment does occur. In the case of bullies (as opposed to just a normal disagreement) I also now fight back if necessary, something I never did in the past. If confrontation is necessary. I confront.
Most of us spend a lot of time in our lives avoiding pain, and this is real pain. A friend who you loved accuses you of something, or someone cheats or lies or tricks you. This is all really hard to let fully into the forgiveness chamber, but you must. Because forgiveness is strength and it is courage, and if you don’t forgive you are sitting with that poison in your belly that Mandela spoke about, hurting only yourself.
Forgive and learn,
Love Mum xo
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