Fame What’s Your Name

“I came to the Kardashians a bit late, and I’m still just gob-smacked. Who are these people?” ~ Jennifer Saunders

Dear Jessica Brennan,

A celebrity, or celebrity in and of itself, is a strange thing to me. Not so much the artist or athlete who is a celebrity, but more those undeniable celebrities that aren’t really anything but that.  Celebrities. They aren’t musicians or actors of note.  They aren’t supermodels or athletes or best-selling authors, they are simply famous.  Perhaps in 1970 they were a child actor or singer, maybe they are related to someone who did something fantastic 25 years ago, but in and of themselves they are an enigma because they haven’t really done anything, yet they capture the attention of the masses.

So Dear Jessica, it might be time for us to crack the code of this and bring clarity to my confusion so we can fully monetize the opportunity. Let’s begin at the beginning and make sure we have some of the requirements to be non-working, totally pointless, wealthy, celebrities.  

For elimination purposes, the checklist again for a fully contributing celebrity is to be a working artist, athlete, actor, musician and/or supermodel.

You and I are not artists (so, check), we are not athletes (check), we are not actors (check), not musicians (check).  Supermodels? I am (obviously), but um (check). We are well on our way then to successfully escaping the working part of the celebrity equation.

The checklist for the non-working, bon-bon eating, vanity-poodle carrying celebrity is to be: a child actor, a child singer, or being related to someone who was famous for acting, music or athletics.

Now, let’s think back to childhood.  I was not an actor except that time I was the understudy of Mole in our class play of The Wind in the Willows. So, I guess to be fair I was a child actor (check) although, full disclosure, I didn’t pass the audition to be on Miss Dorothy’s Sunshine School.

You were not an actor I’m afraid, but you did dabble in music. Your avante-garde interpretation of the Judds “Grandpa” when you were eight proved your natural ability to sing outside the box, so I think we both qualify as children who contributed significantly enough to the arts to get to the next level.

As far as gifted relations, your grandfather was a croquet genius. He could knock the ball right over the fence and into Mrs Rennie’s backyard every time. Your great uncle was very musical and sang a lead part in The Gondoliers at the Town Hall in Woodham in 1973.  All of this is a recipe for success on our journey to undeserved celebrity wealth.  The masses are our next hurdle. I have watched enough episodes of Scandal to know that the quickest way to get attention is to create shock value and the stakes are getting higher in that regard as we all know.  

Lucky for us, I know how to use a little thing called the internet and right here in front of me on the screen appears to be the secret to it all. Apparently, and I quote from an Instructables article on being famous, “It does go to show that you don’t need to promote as much if people already talk about you.” Okay, thanks.

The article goes on to point out some essential elements that you and I are missing, like a stage name. This, according to the internet is very important. So, think of something catchy and remember Ga-Ga is taken.  Also you need a unique look. From what I can tell running shoes bound with drywall filler and rope we can get over at Tuckey’s Home Hardware will work well for this. Let’s go on Saturday. The article continues on to tell us that you need an “ìt” factor. Paris Hilton’s “ìt” factor is that she’s a party girl, so unfortunately for us, that’s taken. Exposure is important too and 4 examples of how to attract this elusive ingredient are given, the 2 easiest ones being, get on a Reality TV show and make friends with other celebrities.  It all sounds worse than horrible to be honest.

Don’t you think that following the self-proclaimed celebrity is a bit of a habit we have all fallen into? A mild to manic and persistent interest in people without really knowing why, is a bit like sitting in front of the TV with a bowl of Cheesies and not really remembering eating them. Munching away, wrecking our bodies and minds without being able to put our finger on when we first noticed them, or when we opened the bag of junk food.

In the end I wonder if Ab-Fab’s Jennifer Saunders got it right when she said, “I came to the Kardashians a bit late, and I’m still just gob-smacked. Who are these people?”

Love Mum xo