Dear Jessica Brennan,
Once upon a time, there was an era of less aggression on the planet, where people cared about each other’s feelings and were civil in their communications. As I write this, I feel like the screen should fill with wavy lines, like we are journeying back to a distant, mystical world.
It was a time before social media, before angry politics and before everyone’s life was a wide open book.
As communication has become more abrasive over the years, there are phrases that people have adopted that now, with time have become part of our everyday language. These should be watched carefully, because the use of the words in these phrases don’t actually follow any Webster’s Dictionary definition. You might, out of habit, use some of these yourself, but try not to if you can.
I will give you an example. Some people say, “Bless her/his heart”, but that’s not what they mean.
“Look at that dress! Bless her heart,” actually means, “What on earth was she thinking when she put that thing on this morning? Doesn’t she have a mirror?”
Sometimes it is even more overt.
“Alice, your son dropped out of college? He will regret that to his dying day! Bless his heart.”
I don’t think that blessing his heart has anything to do with this exclamation. I just think it is there so that the speaker can be harsh, then soften the blow at the end to calm Alice down a little as she hears it.
“Bless his/her heart”, is more a way of saying, that the speaker knows better than the subject, how things should be.
Another similar example is, “God love him”.
“He was falling down drunk again, but God love him, he still got up in the morning and got himself to work.”
I have been thinking about this and I would say that blessing someone’s heart is often sent out to deliver a stinging zinger, where “God love him/her”, is more often used to find a silver lining in a bad situation. I could be wrong.
If you’re going to say “Bless her heart”, or “God love him” though, always look down and shake your head when you say it, for maximum impact.
There are some other phrases that most of us use frequently that, I am thinking we should try to stop saying. One is, “Don’t take this the wrong way but….”
“Don’t take this the wrong way but….” is a way of telling people that you are about to take a chance on offending them. It also says that if you do offend them, it is on them not you, because they “took it the wrong way”. You gave them fair warning.
My position is that if you are going to offend me, bring it. However, I would prefer that you try a more courteous approach, because being offended hurts and makes me mad and I don’t have that kind of time or energy. These pre-warnings, that some pokes in my sore spots are about to land, are sneak attacks, in an “I know something you don’t know” way. If you have something to say, say it. But be fair, and own the offence you are delivering. You said the words after all.
You see if you’re one of these people who says upfront, “I don’t care who I offend,” at least I know straight-up that I won’t be hanging out with you, or taking anything you say seriously. But, you’re telling the truth, which is to be respected. However, to start a sentence with “No offence”, should not be a free pass to say whatever you want without consequences.
A companion culprit is, “I hope you don’t mind me saying”. Again, if you open with this, and I “mind you saying”, well you can feel okay blaming me – guilt free for you. You told me not to. I should have not-minded, as you suggested.
In truth, if you know I’m going to mind what you’re saying, then I would prefer that you keep it to yourself. Be nice, be polite.
My all time favourite though is, “With all due respect”, which generally means, “With no respect whatsoever, now or ever, the end”, and almost always could be summarized as, “You’re wrong”.
With all due respect, my voice is louder than yours so I’m right.
With all due respect, I’m smarter than you are.
With all due respect, you don’t know what you’re talking about.
With all due respect, my opinion deserves more due respect than yours.
Dear Jessica, as soon as you hear “With all due respect”, just smile inside and think,
“God love him, here it comes. Bless his heart.”
Love,
Mum xo
