Dear Jessica Brennan,
Miracles come in all shapes and sizes, and at this time of year, we have come to anticipate we will get one, along with all the other self-imposed expectations we create for the season of joy.
I was fortunate enough to have a miracle happen to me last week. Here is how it went.
Currently, I have fallen into a habit of self-criticism. At night as I go to sleep, I find myself thinking about what I didn’t get done during the day, or shouldn’t have done in my waking hours. If I wake up in the night, I consider all the lost opportunities that went by in the last 24 hours or many unachievable obligations on my plate for the next morning. In the sleepy first moments of the new day, I envision all the things about myself that I need to change. This is a really terrible habit, not very smart and completely non-productive.
Don’t do it to yourself.
Last Thursday morning I woke up and thought about a Christmas Party I attended the night before, and remembered the two glasses of wine I had consumed. Two glasses on a Wednesday? What was I thinking? I know I don’t sleep after two glasses of wine. On a work night? Ridiculous. When will I ever learn? What’s wrong with me?
Also, because the party was after work and I had the aforementioned wine, I didn’t get on the exercise bike. I mean what kind of loser thinks that they can survive the holiday season without an exercise bike? It is a slippery slope. If you miss one day, then you might miss two days, and before you know it, you’re hanging your fine washables on the bike instead of riding it.
But then – and here comes the miracle – with the flicker of a glitter candle and the ding-dong of a fairy bell, I suddenly woke up and smelled the gingerbread. The snow globe cleared and for a moment I allowed myself a glimpse of what other things happened on the dark Wednesday night in question.
The Christmas party was downtown, and was thrown by a dear friend and client of Dad’s. It was 3km from our house and we walked both ways. This far exceeded the 30 minutes on the exercise bike, (turned clothes horse), I was beating myself up about. Also, I ran into a friend I hadn’t talked to in almost twelve months and reconnected. We had a good laugh and made a date to see each other in the new year.
(And the angel twirled atop the tannenbaum).
As the servers went by, I chose the hummus and vegetables instead of the pastries. I’m no saint, but for some reason that’s what I wanted, so I likely ate even less calories than if I were at home. All of this occurred after I had worked for 8.5 hours and made time to visit Grandpa in his long term care facility at lunch-hour that day. Who wouldn’t have had two glasses of wine? I did happen to sleep Wednesday night, without a problem.
(And the elves loaded up the sleigh).
I thought about when I would have had time to ride the exercise bike even if I wanted to. I wondered what I would tell someone else who was engaging in this kind of negative self-talk.
(And the Ho, Ho, Hos began).
On the way home, Dad and I had a good chat about things that were being back-burnered because of all the holiday obligations. We looked at the christmas decorations on the houses in our neighbourhood and commented on the intricacies of the various displays.
(And the gifts began to arrive).
Maybe I wasn’t such a loser after all.
(The miracle had landed).
Through the sounds of reindeer stomping on the roof and the aroma of chestnuts roasting on an open fire, I paused long enough to see that even despite the calculated and relentless self-criticism, I was still able to do some good that day. What could I accomplish if I didn’t waste time beating myself up, I wonder?
(The baby smiled).
Being kind to yourself can be a miracle.
Love,
Mum xo
