Dear Jessica Brennan,
I was thinking this week about being responsible, and good at things, and about all those times in life when accomplished people get called upon to step in and take the job, chair the committee or schedule the events.
Dad is the absolute worst for encouraging this kind of behaviour. Because he is exceptionally good at one very clear thing, he thinks I’m a total marvel because I can do a variety of things pretty well, and so our conversations often go like this.
“I was asked to (fill in the blank) today, but I’m going to say no,” I tell him.
“What? You should (fill in the blank). You would be so good at it”, he will reply.
“I don’t really want to do it though”, I respond.
“Well you should. I can’t think of anyone who would do it better than you,” he will tell me with more than a slight bit of pride and responsibility attached.
So, the question that is nagging at me today is, just because you can, must you?
I say no.
I remember recently Dear Jessica when you were at the salon, you told the ever-amazing, hair-magician Robert (our most-loved friend and stylist) that just because he could make your hair stand up like an 80s Barbie, didn’t mean he should. I think this is a great metaphor for life.
I now know that being the best at organizing it, doesn’t mean you have to organize it. Being a good cook, doesn’t mean you have to cook every meal and being known for being responsible doesn’t mean you have to take responsibility. I’m afraid that what happens to some of us, particularly the pleasers among us, is we say yes to things to our own detriment and get so bogged down by these obligations that we don’t ever get to do the things that we really want to do.
Think of it this way. What if when Wayne Gretzky was starting to play hockey a teacher asked him to teach the other kids how to skate? He really wanted to be in the NHL but said yes, and was so good with those kids and focused on them that his high school teacher told him he should go to university and become a Phys Ed teacher – a noble profession (just not for him) that he surely would be obligated to follow given his proven track record with the kids. In his heart of hearts, what lit him up was playing professional hockey, but being a good teacher and the obligation and distractions like his local hockey committee and neighbourhood rink kept him busy being praised for his contribution to the Brantford, Ontario hockey scene. Who wouldn’t encourage Wayne Gretzky to teach their kids hockey? Yes, in his private moments he wanted to be number 99, but he never even found out what that 99 meant, because he believed he should do what everyone said he was good at, and he was good at it – teaching kids to play hockey.
Yup, there’s Wayne standing at centre ice on the community rink with 80s Barbie hair.
Being able to do something well, isn’t a reason to do it in and of itself. Being responsible and trustworthy and reliable are excellent and required traits in life, but they cannot overpower being passionate, consumed and beautifully tortured with the love of something you can get lost in with no sense of time passing. That burning in your heart for the life that you need to live in order to breathe is so much better than security, pats on the back, a ribbon or plaque or title.
Dear Jessica Brennan, let’s burn up this world,
Love Mum
xo
